OK… so to explain this latest mind rubbish. I have a couple of friends who live in sub-tropical Australia on what is called The Sunshine Coast. One married an Australian and one went there after Katrina because she had relations there, pretty much in the same way as I ended up here. I have been looking at the photographs and hearing all about their lives and have gone off, over the past few days, on these little “trips” in my secret mind, imagining how great and fantastic it would be to live there. Happy for them, but, being completely open about it, jealous too. Wishing I had that kind of idyllic sub-tropical, miles away from civilization as we know it lifestyle.

And it kind of ended up getting to me. The more I imagined tis idyllicness, the more discontent I found I was becoming with my own situation. I was focusing, not on the fact that I am fortunate to actually be alive and to have survived, but instead on how cold it is, how damp it is, how little money I seem to have because everything is so costly here, and ended up in this crazy situation of near depression about it all and complete lackof gratitude – which would totally bug me coming from someone else. It took a day or so before I realized it was bugging me – or rather “I” was bugging me and creating this depressive feeling and comparisons and all kinds of crap by going off and imagining life in this idyllic Australia. To which, by the way, I have never been, and only lived vicariously (I think that’s the word) through my friends who do live there. I got to the point where I ended up feeling totally trapped here, like there is noooo way out and all of that stuff and just wanting to run away. Running away to yet another new life. I started getting angry with the hurricane – if that had not occured then I would not be here and getting into the realms of self pity. Just ugh and not practical or helpful in any way whatsoever.

Now, instead, maybe it might be better for me to do a little research. Actually self direct myself to work harder and save more and take a vacation to visit my friends and see what happens when I get there. And also, be careful with my starting point. Because there is no way I am going anywhere if my starting point is one of wanting to run away, because that would mean I am wanting to run away from ME, and I can’t do that because I AM me and I am here.

So, I don’t actually know what this bunch of self forgiveness is gonna bring out, but here goes and lets see what is revealed and what is actually happening in this head of mine:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fantasize about an iddylic life in Australia;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fantasize about finding a rich man in Australia who loves me and wants to marry me and will fund my new fantasy life in Australia – I mean, I don’rt even want a guy right now, so that would be actually using someone and that kind of behavior makes me so mad in others, yet in my secret mind I have already done it, so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing that and it stops right here, right now;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I relocate to Australia my life will be one big bed of roses, problem free;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel jealousy towards my friends M and A for living in my fantasy dream country;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go off on fantasy trips into my secret mind when I am fed up with the weather here;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the weather for the condition of my life as it is;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will somehow be rejuvenated and all brand new if only I live in a sub-tropical area;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep saying how I hate the cold and the damp weather and making decisions based simply on the temperature (that sounds totally ridiculous written out…LOL);

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider myself in utter separation with the starting point of the reason why I want to leave this country and go to Australia;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel trapped in England, when I am the only one trapping me and if I really wanna leave I can get on a plane and go as soon as I save the funds;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider neg considering leaving all my responsibilities behind in order to run off to Australia, which in my secret mind is like a paradise, but which I only have secondhand reports about;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can simply leave all my responsibiities behind and jump on a plane and go off to another country – again;

I forgive for repeating a pattern of running away when I get fed up with things I don’t want to deal with and take responsibiility for;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel I am incapable and too tired inside to deal with all the things I am responsible for;

I forgive myself for not standing up and just taking self responsibility here because I “feel tired and fed up because it is cold and damp in England”;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go on about how I hate England, when I actually don’t – what I hate is the state of mind I am currently in which is entirely self-created;

I forgive myself therefore for being self-dishonest within this situation;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that if I go to Australia to visit M and A on a vacation I will not want to leave Australia – when I have absolutely no idea how I will feel or what the circumstances will be;

So… that said, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an entire mind-created Australia and Australian experience and considering basing actions on this fantasy idea which could be absolutely inaccurate – and will obviously be inaccurate in some ways as I have created the idea within my own mind and not on the basis of experience;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel depressed because I won’t have the money for at least two years to go to Australia on vacation and blaming hurricane Katrina for it!;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use hurricane Katrina as a scapegoat for all my problems when I feel down about anything at all ever;

I forgive myself for not actually being grateful that I am here and safe and have a home now rather than being washed away to die like other folks were;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to now immeidately feel guilt for all of which I have accepted and allowed above, as this is futile and not assisting to me at all in any way;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an intricate fantasy of how it will be “when” I get to Australia, when a lot can change in two years and I may fly off somewhere else entirely or stay here or go home or whatever;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make long term plans about stuff (the planning bit is fine) but them to use that planning to avoid facing myself and what is here;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is no way I can ever live in Australia because of visas and so on;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go from one extreme to another with this Australia stuff – I can’t go therte – oh boo hoo to I can and will go there – oh zippedy  doo dah… and bouncing from the two extremes when the whole darn thing is a big fat fantasy inside my head and until I do some real proper research and go on vacation there it will remain just that, a fantasy..LOL (That also sounds insane when writtyen out, but Lordy, this does help to clarify stuff); – I gotta wonder if other folks actually argue in their secret mind about the fantasies in there…. wow, that’s now making me chuckle at myself and my sillines.

OK… really that’s all I needed to clear. Something has now shifted. Practical application:

Without funds this is unrealistic, so start putting some money aside, even small amounts, for travel purposes. Whether I go to Australia or somewhere else, that money is accumulating for that specific purpose, and if the money system collapses in the meantime, oh well, deal with it then. So OK…when this next order of mine is paid for I will save some of the money rather than spend it on things I can live without (things I’d like rather than need…actually this may open a whole new can of worms… the difference between want and need in terms of purchases, but I am digressing…)

Yep…so that’s point one. I will open an account for this purpose tomorrow online. Cool. Good. Sorted out that. Self directing. Clear.

Anything else? Drop M and A a line or two with any questions that may come up about this whole thing and ask them to be utterly honest about the pros and cons of their living there right now, so I have clear facts rather than half facts and half my secret mind fantasy.; That’s easy enough. Will do that before or over the weekend.

Quit making up little storylines in my secret mind about Austalia and wait til I am actually there to see what happens next. The fantasy is not helping me, it is actually going from one polarity to the other and it is ALL in my head! LOL so til here no further on that one. Deal with what IS, not with what might be, what I might like to be, or what I maybe possibly think may occur when I actually do not know for sure yet.

Ok… so we have saving, contact friends and ask direct questions based on facts so I then HAVE facts, and quit the fantasy. All this I can do.

Another point to consider is what is my startingpoint to move – is it running away only or is there something of actual substance there. Let’s see. Reality says I had no intention of remaining in England for years and year s and years…because? The climate does not support me. That’s OK. That’s true. In part.  I make it worse by whining about it and focusing on it though. So I can quit that. But yeh – I am used to hot weather and am finding it tough body and everything else wise with this climate. I don’t thrive in it. Just the same way some folks couldn’t stand living in the tropics. That’s OK. Any other reason? I believe the lifestyle would be more relaxed. But WOULDit? Would it not be the exact same lifestyle, my lifestyle of what I acceot and allow within myself? Yes it would. I would simply be doing it in a warmer climate. So knock that one out. Anything else? To be close to friends. True. Non essential as I have friends here and in many other locations, but yes, so partly true. And my friends will not take responsibility FOR me, neither should they, so actually practiacally speaking that isn’t a huge issue. But it is somewhre I would have contacts which makes it a little more viable. So, OK. But that’s not a reason, that just makes it a possibility. Anything else?No… actually this one is purely health based and based on practical support of self within a climate thatis conducive to supporting me practically. Alternative places with similar climate where I know people – back home, but that is not really a support to me in some ways or I would return when Sherry does. So, yup…

What do we actually have here?

A sub-tropical climate is supportive of me in practical terms, supporting me within and as my human physical body and therefore affecting all stuff related to that. Which is perfectly acceptable.

So… best thing to do in practical terms: save up to go on extended vacation there where I can see how I feel about theplace in actuality. On that basis I can then make decisions – based on FACT rather than fantasy possibilities.

In the meantime, remain HERE, take responsibility for what I have to take responsbility for and quit the whining. And tha fnatasizing.

Well, that wasn’t that difficult.

Lord… sometimes I really over complicate things…LOL

Altogether now, “Waltzing Matilda, Waltzing Matilda…”

Edited to add: BREATHE!!!!

So, first off, forgiveness – why would I and in what circumstances would I forgive another? Well, since starting process, I would say pretty much everything is how it *should* be – in the repsect that if I am forgiving myself, then – as all as one as equal – I should therefore forgive everyone else everything too. And this is where it starts getting a little complex. I am taking my ex husband as an example. Although it is a few years since he left me, I realize I haven’t actually forgiven him. I fact I find myself blaming him on various levels for the reasons my life is as it is now – and not taking responsibility for myself. I find myself blaming him for marrying me when I was 15 years old – even though I accepted his proposal – I mean c’mon, he didn’t have a gun up against my head or anything, I was happy to marry the guy. I wanted to have a husband more than just about anything. And yet something inside me is refusing to take responsibility, and it sets off this “if” this hadn’t happend and “if the other thing hadn’t happend I would be doing this, that and the other, which takes me waaay into my “secret mind” an off on a little fantasy trip where I am living in some wonderful place, with a wonderful guy, doing wonderful things, but because of my ex I am not. Which is all absolute crap, but easier than taking self responsibiluty.

So, I am forgiving myself in order to forgive my ex amd standing one and equal here, with him – and it is uncomfortable, but necessary and so…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing mysel;f to still feel anger about my ex husband when he would spy on me after he had left;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act in certain ways to create a false impression of myself to create a reaction inside my ex husband after he had left (all mind games) and yet blamned him for playing mind games;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel extreme anger towards my ex husband for sleeping with P in our bed the day before he left me;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceivbe myself in a victim role because my ex husband left me;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify with other victims because of spousal abuse and thus ensuring that for a substantial amount of time I lived as a victim;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing spousal abuse and not standing up and saying no;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to mourn for years over a marriage that I willingly allowed myself to enter into freely;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myelf to judge proespective boyfriends from the perspective of what happend with me and my ex husband (pre-judging);

I forgive myself for accepting an allowing myself to hate my ex husband for now having a new wife and a child and thus considerinf him to have “won” and me to have “lost” despite not actually wanting that man in my life anymore;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto anger and resentment towards my ex husband and his entire family for the end of my marriage;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have felt extreme shock at the end of my marriage;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my husband for “ruining my life” when a) that is not possible and b) ultimately it is a relief that he has gone;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my ex huabnd for making me “damaged goods” for any other man who came along;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view myself as “damaged goods”;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have fantasies about really hurting my ex husband in various ways physical and mental in order to get even;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to my ex hsbands new wife in numerous ways – some “better” some worse”, us allowing polarity and creating separation;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate my ex husband;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself for the breakdown of the marriage, even though I was not the one who left;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regard myself as less than my ex husband’s new wife because he “chose” her over me;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my ex husband for “making me suffer the shame of divorce” and having the status of divorcee at a young age;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my ex husband for making me feel old emotionally because I am a divorcee;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame at being a divorcee.

If I saw him now, how would I feel? Would I react? I was shown a photo of him and my first reaction was, “My, he has aged in these few years. He looks rough!” and then to feel angry that he had a new wife and a baby and assuming therefore that his life must be “better” than mine. Even though the last thing on planet earth I want is a baby or another marriage right now. So what is going on here? Is it jealousy? No, not really, as he doesn’t have anything I want/. Is it anger? Yes. Why? I know why and it is soooo ew…. it’s because, being completely self-honest, he has moved on and is not thinking of me and I wanted to be “special” – I perceive myself as sooo special that he ust and should be thinking of me even now he has a new wife.

Anger also to her – his new wife – why? Because I am thinking and reacting thus: why is he with her when she is so darn homely? So we are back on this picture presentation thing again. So what am I angry about? The fact that my picture presentation was uanble to manipulate him to continue to hold me as “special” in his life. That’s pretty icky.

So… I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider that my ex husband should perceive me as special’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my husband’s ex wife in terms of picture-presentation with astonishment;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive myself as “special” as in more or less special comparative to someone else’s “specialness”;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider that my ex husband should be manipulated by picture presentations;

So… the whole thing is about my apparent speialness, which is aboslute and utter bullcrap and my oh so special picture presentation and being horrified that it no longer “worked” on him. And holy hell,,, you know, I didn’t even know I DID that. I mean I genuinely didn’t think I had ever ever used looks as a way to manipulate anyone, let alone guys. That is really quite shocking. So I forgive mtsekf for accepting and allowing that bullcrap. Yuck.

That has really stunned me. Wow.

OK… so if I forgive someone else, it isn’t giving them free reign to go off and do the exact same thing again, and neither does it when I forgive myself – and this is where the self corrective application steps in. Any issue like this that comes up, I will STOP. Because it really has to be “to here and no further” or I am going to have to be in process for the rest of forever and I can’t be doing that or nothing else is gonna get done around these parts.

Forgiveness is for unacceptable shit that is not to be repeated. And that’s it. It  just seems somewhat unrelenting and continual and stunning that so much in me is unacceptable shit that is not to be repeated and must be forgiven and done with.

You know, I had reached a kind of impasse recently and I thought, “That’s it, No more forgiveness for a while, I am clear clear clear…yipee” and it so wasn’t the case. Scratch the surface and more shit comes out. How’s that for knocking spots off the picture presentation? Hmmm.

So, self responsibility time is here.

And on that note, I am going to get some zzzz’s.

Now, you see, previously – prior Desteni and this process, that is – my starting point on housework, I can see now, was a pretty weird one. It wasn’t much at all to do with having the house clean and tidy so it was hygenic and I could find everything. No. It was all and only to do with what other people would think when they visited my house.  So, loys going on with that… fear of judgment, insecurity, wanting to “fit in”, wanting people to go and say, “Wow, Dixie’s house is so fine”,.,, and also because if I was stressed, cleaning seemed to help. At least I had control over that, was what was in my mind.

All of that, coupled with the fact that my ex-husband and, oddly enough actually all my exes have had a “thing” abot housework and how the woman must be constantly cleaning so he has a bice home he can show off to his friends or whatever. Also a power and control thing by putting the woman in her place. And, of course it was easy for me to accept and allow this, because I had been brought up with a mother who was pretty much a servant and domestic goddess to her husband and she was very house proud. Other peoplew ould say how house proud she was like it was a good thing. So that was how I had been programmed to behave. So I did that.

I wanted to take a look back at this whole topic, because it’s very much related to a few points I have transcended lately – all tied up with what they at Desteni would call “the sins of the fathers”, which is to say the things you learn from your parents, that they learned from their parents, that basically f*ck a person up. So, yeh… I wanted to see what was left on this hosework topic.

You  see, also, interestingly enough, the housework is NOT always done around here – I mean it’s clean and “relatively” tidy, but I am no way as obsessional as I was. I mean other stuff has a higher prioroity – like playing with the animals – which never ever would have takend precendence prior process, because it was ALL about image, pictures… how I looked, how my surroundings looked.

I mean currently, the house could do with a little attention, and I will do that shortly, but I’m not panicking inside about it. I’m not thinking, “Oh noooo! What if I have a caller and my boots aren’t line dup just so and exact in the hallway” and “Oh, no, I must immediatly make my face in case the mailman arrives and see me without my lipstick and eyeliner.” Which, looking back now just smacks of insecurity in the sense that I really cared what other people thought of me – thus putting everyone else on some pedestal in the sjky and me right rolling about in the mud somewhere.

So I  don’t accept and allow any of that anymore and haven’t for a few weeks now – maybe a little more or a little less, for a wehile anyways.

And it has met with some mxed reactions. Which has made me laugh. Which would have made me quake in my stilettos previously.

The reactions have been ranging from:

“Wow, Dixie, you’re chilling out!” to “Gawd… are you sick? Do you need help with some tidying up?” to “You have let things sliiiide badly since you got involved with that bunch”. And so on. Funniest thing is folks are actually making some kind of issue out of it. More than I am making anything of it. And it isn’t even their house. Weird.

I no longer compare my home to others, I no longer worry what others might think about it, I no longer feel compelled to constantly clean and tidy, I don’t constantly clean and tidy, I don’t deel I need to always be “in control” of the state of the house, I do not feel as if I’m letting myself go as far as the house goes, I no longer feel dysfunctional in my head unless everything is perfectly in place.

This is sooo cool. I have realized I DID transcend that all after all. Me Cool. This process really does work. Yay!

Anyways, due to some things I’ve shared on that  prtivate forum over at Desteni these songs are here. They’re very “me” right now.

Laterz, y’all

There were four more, but this one really helped me with the missing bits that I spoke about in my last entry. I have been judging myself and comparing myself to others based on old conditioning and things totally from my past. Things like I can’t do joined up writing. I never could. It really bugged me because it took me right back t the days when I took the short bus and was “dumb”. That kin dof thing made me do a lot of comparing. Now, there are a couple – actually four -  people on the forum who I would think, “They are soooo smart” and by thinking that I was putting myself into the whole “therefore I am so dumb” polarity thing again and not moving anywhere fast. Or at all. One of these so smart people was a guy called Darryl. He is a moderator (not sure what they do, but I figured you’d have to be smart to be one). Anyways, he writes all these posts and they are just soooo cool. Some of them I don’t actually understand at all, but I just *knew* they were full of total smartness. You could tell from some of the words in them. Anyways, I had all this going doen inside me and it was cabbaging my head. Everytime I read one of those Darryl posts I would be “Oh my, he is so smart. I would like to be just exactly like him, but I am just not smart enough.” Now, I wasn;t getting my missing points, but I did know they were to do with judgment of me. In some way. Now it’s clear what I was missing and it was right there, on the forum and I was doing the automatic-Dixie thing, “he is so smart”, “she is so cool” and all of that. Just manifesting a big old mess. But now, having seen the video I just posted, I can see that rather than do all the comparing stuff I can just observe and see what it is that they are doing that is so cool and do it myself. And it is that simple. But… the most bizzarrest thing of all? Well, I had been doing a bit of self assistance writing on the forum and sharing all of this, and of all the folks on there, guess what? Darryl answered and said that who gives a f*ck about joined up writing and my writing had cool things about it and he said it reminded him of two famous writers and he would buy a book if I ever got around to writing one. I was most surprised. So I told him he was actually one of the folks I had had to do self forgiveness on because I had compared myself to him and gotten all in a mess over it and so forth. And I also said, “F*ck it” about the whole joined up writing thing. Because now I see it’s not what  you do with your handwriting in the way it looks (this whole picture presentation thing again, isn’t it? Ha! I just seen that) but what oyu actually say. Besides, he also said no one writes in cursive these days, which I have looked up in the dictionary and it says this:

cursive:  writing done with joined letters.

So digressing a little… what in the heck do kids these days write in then? Capital letters? Or maybe they all use the computers. Jeez. I;m not even old but I feel completely out of the loop on that one…LOL Or maybe it is cool to not be joined up writing wise and I was justy ahead of my time. I dunno. But it’s square in my head now.

The other people I had “issues” with as in “they are so much cooler and  smarter than me” was (and I’m writing this to try to kind of work stuff out here as I write it)…

This lady called Bella. Now she is like this otherworldy lady. I have seen her youtube videos and I haven’t ever met anyone like her in my life. She has all this energy coming from her and knows just what to say in the sense that she is really specific and doesn’t just jibber jabber on… as I can do sometimes. I just think she’s hella cool and so I would compare myself to her. But now, after the video, I am going to pay more attention to the content of her posts and see how she gets from a-b and ends up where she do. Because it is very cool. So no need to compare or judge me in comparison terms, just to learn. I have been such a … mind consciousness system is how it’s said there and that is pretty much like a programmed machine, running old VCR taoes in my head when now everyone has DVDs. That kind of thing.

The third person is a lady called Adele. She is supercool. And becausd she is so supercool I would compare myself as being very uch ever so less than supercool. She is supercool because she is just so  honest. I meanI don’t mean like everybody else sits there telling liews all day or anythin, but what I mean is she is a very open sharing person, like a hippie chick type person (is that a definition?) anyways… she is cool and so I was doing the whole comparison thing there. Agaibn, just  learn from her how to be vulnerable and not worry about showing it. The showing it part actually. Cos her posts rock. And if she wasn’t showing that vulnerability they kinda wouldn’t so muuch. So I learn courage there.

Final “super poster” is Marlen. She has like THE best blog EVAH and does this crazy neat artwork too. So I would compare my blog to hers and so mine would be worse and hers better and all of that. Now, just read her blog, enjoy it and learn from it.

And it is that simple. I know feelings aren’t meant to cut it here, but I have to be honest (cos that’s what it’s all about) and say I am feeling warm and fuzzy inside after transcending. Or maybe it isn’t a feeling as such (i dunno)… maybe its just how it is when someone transcends. I mean I wouldn’t know I haven’t transcended anything before (as far as I know). I will post about it and what happens if I transcend again any time soon.

So, that’s all I have to say about that right now.

OK, so feel as if I’ve been taking three steps forward and two steps back. It’s been a strange couple of days. Posting a lot on the forums, sgharing myself and peeling off the layers and feel… I dunno… vulnerable. And there’s this underlying “shame” thing going on, Which I realize is utterly inappropriate and just system shit, but it’s there, hovering in the background somewhere. Shame because I have exposed stuff about myself I used to feel shame about. So the shame is coming from a strange place – like I would have felt shame if people had known those things I shared about me if I had revealed them prior to process. But the point being, I wouldn’t have revealed them before process. I mean I tried darn hard to hide them. So that’s what I am meaning by misplaced.

Other stuff bugging me is this new poster on the board called Adriano. He’s banging on and on about how Desteni is wrong with this and how we are all dumb as horseshit and what we are all like when he has no clue. I mean I have tried to answer him but he has thus far ignored me, so maybe I won’t bother in future. I was actually assisting him (well, that was my starting point) and yet he views everything as attack. So darn touchy. So I am reacting to this and therefore being “darn touchy” myself. Aaagh!

Wanting also to buy the Desteni folks the nextdoor farm. But have no money. And anyone who has won’t help me with it. Which is shit but hey ho…what else can I do? So that is frustrating as well.

It’s lots of little things bugging me right now.

I was cracking on great guns with process last week and now seem to have gotten stuck in my mind like it is made of glue or porridge or something or grits or something sticky as all hell and I am right in the center of it and have to kind of unglue my way out.

This is because I have been rushing. Wanting to be “clear” so much I have wizzed ahead like a speedway racer and kind of gine crash…haha!

So, in a nutshell, and missing out some not so salient points, I ended up with a MAJOR headache yesterday. MAJOR. Found a video from Veno and basically from what I could understand, its because everything has been compounded and I have missed some points, so need to go back seven days and kind of start again from there. Which makes total sense, because I have been racing so much and can actually “sense” I have areas I have missed.

So, over the next few days, less forum posting, less jibber-jabbering and more self forgiveness in my diary. Because I sense that unless I do that I will be in a worse state than I was before I started this process and that would be utterly counter-productive.

Feel quite angry (not “extensively” as Winged would say…LOL) inside, but it’s there. Simmering like a gumbo on a low heat. Bubble bubble. Bubble bubble. Hiss. And, I am angry at myself. Becaue I have raced and tried to do the Desteni process race rather than be specific. So yeh… back to the drawing board… pick myself up, dust myself down and start over again. And so I walk.

However, in the writing of it, I discovered an interesting thig.  And that is that I have used looks as a means of making myswlef feel better about the “bad” things. I would think to myself: “Well, they may be smarter than me, but I sure am prettier”, or “He may have dumped me but I sure am pretty” or “My folks don’t love me, but I sure am pretty”. And I am certain this goes right back to early childhoof when I was one of those little girl pageant people. Basically kiddie Miss Americas. And my parents were always going on about looks and how this or that person had “thick angles” or a “pudgy face” or hiow I shouodn’t be photographed in harsh lighting as it would show up any imperfections and so on and so on. And so looks, above all, were THE thing to get by on. And I surely did. Not to attract men as one mightr  expecty, but rather as a way to mask my insecurities and feel better about myself. “I may have only got an 8th grade education, but boy I am so prettty…” when actually what I was really saying inside myself iff I had been self aware enough and honest enough to take note was, “I feel so dumb cos I only have an 8th grade education, but I hope being pretty will compensate.” All back to the whole acceptance thing again. Very interesting.

So, that said, I played with the colors and was having a lot of fun, had sort of twisted my hair up on top of my head and clipped it up to make it stay off my face using this big plastic clip thing, when one of the dogs put her paws on my knee and trotted off to the front door, which is this particular dog’s way of telling me she wants to go out to relieve herself.

OK…so I got on my coat and put on a pair of gumboots, got her leash and off we went. As we were walking towards the fields, I suddenly “caught myself” removing the plastic hair clip from my hair and sort of frou-frouing my hair in this sudden panic!!!! As soon as I realized what I was doing I stopped directly and actually found myself saying out loud, “Dixie-Belle Sonnier, what ARE you doing?” and I fell about laughing because this whole scenario was just crazy… bear in mind it was around 2.45 in the a.m. at this point, maybe later, it was pitch black out of doors (no street lighting) and I am currently living in a really small village where 11 pm is generally “past people’s bedtimes”, so NO ONE was gonna be seeing me. And even in the unlikely event that anyone WAS out on the fields and saw me they would prolly have run a mile considering my face painting play had left me resembling a sort of space-age geisha girl…LOL!

And yet this automated response of “doing my hair” came up. I realized I had done this for only a couple of seconds before becoming aware of what the heck I was doing…. and I was surprised at how automatic it was. Really a shock. I say “automated” because consciously I was not thinking anything like, “I must look good in case someone sees me”… (I mean I was wearing gumboots, it was dark and I had a face full of crazy color, so there was no waaay a bit of hair restoration was gonna make any difference to the general expression…LOL) and yet I cannot have been completely HERE or this would not have occurred.

So…my intention is to later today take a look back in my self forgiveness journal and read over all the sf I did on the whole make up thing some weeks ago and just see if I react to any of it in any way and if I do react, what is that reaction and what does it show me and can I see what points I haven’t yet cleared.

Interesting, as I really figured I had cleared all of these issues and interesting how I had this kind of two second automated glitch. One thing it did make very clear was how we really ARE programmed in terms that I actually SAW this.

As I mentioned before, I have a heavy bout of the flu which, according to my doctor here, has been doing the rounds and has laid people up for up to 8 weeks!!! This is still week one for me in terms of time and now that I understand that in my process flu is basically a “clear out” and in a cool thing which others have experienced, I am also cool with it. Which is interesting, as prior to this, with the lack of understanding, I would have taken to my bedand effetively played the “I am ill” and can’t do anything “game”.

Currently however I am enjoying relaxing, taking things easy and grateful for the downtime. I am watching lots of the Detsnei videos and just chilling with my animals and eating healthily and resting up. Entirely different attitude to how I was before the start of priocess when I would use “ill” as a way of manipulating and avoidance. Wow.

Also, quite timely, Jozien mailed me and asked if I would like to assist in transcribing. I am really up for this as I am watching the videos in any event so it will help me and others if I do this work. I enjpy  transcribing as this was once what I did for a living.LOLAnother ting

Another thing I have noticed… my head is “thick” because ot the flu which means process is actually easier as reactions are much slolwer and therefore easier to stop before a whole train of thoughts chugs along! May share this on the forum and see if anyone else has had similar experiences.

Having enquired about this on the Desteni forum, wondering if this is in view of the recent HUGE reactions and the working through of such after watching the stoning video, I was wondering if this was somehow connected. Kim suggested I search for “flu” and also said that she had this happen also at the start of process and that it was cool.

Sooo, I searched and after a while found a post that was pretty helpful and it seems this can occur quite a lot during process at the start for people and it is actually a cool thing indeed as it means it is literally cleaning oneself out on a physical level in a sense. So that was interesting.

Anyway, a little after I left the forum and got along with the daily chores and so forth, I noticed I was feeling extremely irritated in a non-specific way. By that I mean everything just seems to be irritating me today. Things I would not normally react to but just get on with. Like the animals seemed more demanding today than usual (“Seemed” – they are the same as ever in actuality), housework seems an arduous process, the telephone ringing or the door going is just making me  irritated. I just realized I said, “is making ME” irritaed and of course ift is ME making ME irritated. Why?

Let’s have a go at some spontaneous self forgiveness and see iff this gets clearer. OK…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as irritation;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express my irritation in front of others;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilt for expressing irritation in front of others…

haha! Already I have seen something. I have been expressing myself as irritation towards those who I have reacted in irritation to, so I have made myself one and equal with the irritation.

LOL!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  make myself one and equal with irritation.

I am NOT irritation.

STOP! No further with this bullshit.

I breath in, I breath out, I slow self… I have been racing again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to race to get my chores done;

Why am I doing this? Not for self-achievement or anything. SO what is it? I know what it is. It is the fear of judgement of others AGAIN.

Aaaagh… I have time looped. Or rather I am still time looping on this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed  myself  to  feel irritation at the dogs for barking because of my fear of what the neighbors might think; (SUCH dishonesty)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell the dogs NO because of my own irritation and fear at what the neighbors might think if they bark too much;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry at myself for saying NO to the dogs for barking;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry at my fear of what the neighbors might think;

I forgive myself for considering myself less than the neighborts;

I forgive myself for concerning myself with the views of the neighbors in terms of their potential impact on me (this is totally fear based);

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my neighbors (which sounds utterly laughable as I would never have recognized this until doing this self forgivness – I would have thought the opposite! How I have decieved myself;

(I paused here for a while to tickle the dogs’ tummies. I no longer feel irritation).

I forgive myself for allowing myself to become one and equal with fear and from that point manifesting irritation an dbecoming one and equal with that also.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry that if anyone turned up to visit today they might think the house was a mess;

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the reaction of others for the state of my own home;

I forgive myself for floating between polarities within my se;lf as far as housework goes and considering it “good” or “bad” and me “good” or “bad” depending on how “good” or “bad” the house looks at any given time because of my fear of others reaction to it and therefore me;

I forgive myself for having made myself one and equal to judgement;

I forgive myself for having made myself one and equal to fear of othrs;

All I need to be is self-honest for goodness sakes. Goodness being metaporical here. Not a polarity. Lawdy, I need that vpcabulary purifier.

Slow down. Breath, take it easy. No more racing out of fear. No more judging from fear. No more irritation because of fear.

Yes. Actually, that wasn’t that non-secific after all, was it? I do enjoy how process reveals allt hese layers and how I can kind of peel them away and get to the point. Cool