…we have Australia, land of dreams and hope. Apparently.
OK… so to explain this latest mind rubbish. I have a couple of friends who live in sub-tropical Australia on what is called The Sunshine Coast. One married an Australian and one went there after Katrina because she had relations there, pretty much in the same way as I ended up here. I have been looking at the photographs and hearing all about their lives and have gone off, over the past few days, on these little “trips” in my secret mind, imagining how great and fantastic it would be to live there. Happy for them, but, being completely open about it, jealous too. Wishing I had that kind of idyllic sub-tropical, miles away from civilization as we know it lifestyle.
And it kind of ended up getting to me. The more I imagined tis idyllicness, the more discontent I found I was becoming with my own situation. I was focusing, not on the fact that I am fortunate to actually be alive and to have survived, but instead on how cold it is, how damp it is, how little money I seem to have because everything is so costly here, and ended up in this crazy situation of near depression about it all and complete lackof gratitude – which would totally bug me coming from someone else. It took a day or so before I realized it was bugging me – or rather “I” was bugging me and creating this depressive feeling and comparisons and all kinds of crap by going off and imagining life in this idyllic Australia. To which, by the way, I have never been, and only lived vicariously (I think that’s the word) through my friends who do live there. I got to the point where I ended up feeling totally trapped here, like there is noooo way out and all of that stuff and just wanting to run away. Running away to yet another new life. I started getting angry with the hurricane – if that had not occured then I would not be here and getting into the realms of self pity. Just ugh and not practical or helpful in any way whatsoever.
Now, instead, maybe it might be better for me to do a little research. Actually self direct myself to work harder and save more and take a vacation to visit my friends and see what happens when I get there. And also, be careful with my starting point. Because there is no way I am going anywhere if my starting point is one of wanting to run away, because that would mean I am wanting to run away from ME, and I can’t do that because I AM me and I am here.
So, I don’t actually know what this bunch of self forgiveness is gonna bring out, but here goes and lets see what is revealed and what is actually happening in this head of mine:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fantasize about an iddylic life in Australia;
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fantasize about finding a rich man in Australia who loves me and wants to marry me and will fund my new fantasy life in Australia – I mean, I don’rt even want a guy right now, so that would be actually using someone and that kind of behavior makes me so mad in others, yet in my secret mind I have already done it, so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing that and it stops right here, right now;
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I relocate to Australia my life will be one big bed of roses, problem free;
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel jealousy towards my friends M and A for living in my fantasy dream country;
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go off on fantasy trips into my secret mind when I am fed up with the weather here;
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the weather for the condition of my life as it is;
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will somehow be rejuvenated and all brand new if only I live in a sub-tropical area;
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep saying how I hate the cold and the damp weather and making decisions based simply on the temperature (that sounds totally ridiculous written out…LOL);
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider myself in utter separation with the starting point of the reason why I want to leave this country and go to Australia;
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel trapped in England, when I am the only one trapping me and if I really wanna leave I can get on a plane and go as soon as I save the funds;
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider neg considering leaving all my responsibilities behind in order to run off to Australia, which in my secret mind is like a paradise, but which I only have secondhand reports about;
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can simply leave all my responsibiities behind and jump on a plane and go off to another country – again;
I forgive for repeating a pattern of running away when I get fed up with things I don’t want to deal with and take responsibiility for;
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel I am incapable and too tired inside to deal with all the things I am responsible for;
I forgive myself for not standing up and just taking self responsibility here because I “feel tired and fed up because it is cold and damp in England”;
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go on about how I hate England, when I actually don’t – what I hate is the state of mind I am currently in which is entirely self-created;
I forgive myself therefore for being self-dishonest within this situation;
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that if I go to Australia to visit M and A on a vacation I will not want to leave Australia – when I have absolutely no idea how I will feel or what the circumstances will be;
So… that said, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an entire mind-created Australia and Australian experience and considering basing actions on this fantasy idea which could be absolutely inaccurate – and will obviously be inaccurate in some ways as I have created the idea within my own mind and not on the basis of experience;
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel depressed because I won’t have the money for at least two years to go to Australia on vacation and blaming hurricane Katrina for it!;
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use hurricane Katrina as a scapegoat for all my problems when I feel down about anything at all ever;
I forgive myself for not actually being grateful that I am here and safe and have a home now rather than being washed away to die like other folks were;
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to now immeidately feel guilt for all of which I have accepted and allowed above, as this is futile and not assisting to me at all in any way;
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an intricate fantasy of how it will be “when” I get to Australia, when a lot can change in two years and I may fly off somewhere else entirely or stay here or go home or whatever;
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make long term plans about stuff (the planning bit is fine) but them to use that planning to avoid facing myself and what is here;
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is no way I can ever live in Australia because of visas and so on;
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go from one extreme to another with this Australia stuff – I can’t go therte – oh boo hoo to I can and will go there – oh zippedy doo dah… and bouncing from the two extremes when the whole darn thing is a big fat fantasy inside my head and until I do some real proper research and go on vacation there it will remain just that, a fantasy..LOL (That also sounds insane when writtyen out, but Lordy, this does help to clarify stuff); – I gotta wonder if other folks actually argue in their secret mind about the fantasies in there…. wow, that’s now making me chuckle at myself and my sillines.
OK… really that’s all I needed to clear. Something has now shifted. Practical application:
Without funds this is unrealistic, so start putting some money aside, even small amounts, for travel purposes. Whether I go to Australia or somewhere else, that money is accumulating for that specific purpose, and if the money system collapses in the meantime, oh well, deal with it then. So OK…when this next order of mine is paid for I will save some of the money rather than spend it on things I can live without (things I’d like rather than need…actually this may open a whole new can of worms… the difference between want and need in terms of purchases, but I am digressing…)
Yep…so that’s point one. I will open an account for this purpose tomorrow online. Cool. Good. Sorted out that. Self directing. Clear.
Anything else? Drop M and A a line or two with any questions that may come up about this whole thing and ask them to be utterly honest about the pros and cons of their living there right now, so I have clear facts rather than half facts and half my secret mind fantasy.; That’s easy enough. Will do that before or over the weekend.
Quit making up little storylines in my secret mind about Austalia and wait til I am actually there to see what happens next. The fantasy is not helping me, it is actually going from one polarity to the other and it is ALL in my head! LOL so til here no further on that one. Deal with what IS, not with what might be, what I might like to be, or what I maybe possibly think may occur when I actually do not know for sure yet.
Ok… so we have saving, contact friends and ask direct questions based on facts so I then HAVE facts, and quit the fantasy. All this I can do.
Another point to consider is what is my startingpoint to move – is it running away only or is there something of actual substance there. Let’s see. Reality says I had no intention of remaining in England for years and year s and years…because? The climate does not support me. That’s OK. That’s true. In part. I make it worse by whining about it and focusing on it though. So I can quit that. But yeh – I am used to hot weather and am finding it tough body and everything else wise with this climate. I don’t thrive in it. Just the same way some folks couldn’t stand living in the tropics. That’s OK. Any other reason? I believe the lifestyle would be more relaxed. But WOULDit? Would it not be the exact same lifestyle, my lifestyle of what I acceot and allow within myself? Yes it would. I would simply be doing it in a warmer climate. So knock that one out. Anything else? To be close to friends. True. Non essential as I have friends here and in many other locations, but yes, so partly true. And my friends will not take responsibility FOR me, neither should they, so actually practiacally speaking that isn’t a huge issue. But it is somewhre I would have contacts which makes it a little more viable. So, OK. But that’s not a reason, that just makes it a possibility. Anything else?No… actually this one is purely health based and based on practical support of self within a climate thatis conducive to supporting me practically. Alternative places with similar climate where I know people – back home, but that is not really a support to me in some ways or I would return when Sherry does. So, yup…
What do we actually have here?
A sub-tropical climate is supportive of me in practical terms, supporting me within and as my human physical body and therefore affecting all stuff related to that. Which is perfectly acceptable.
So… best thing to do in practical terms: save up to go on extended vacation there where I can see how I feel about theplace in actuality. On that basis I can then make decisions – based on FACT rather than fantasy possibilities.
In the meantime, remain HERE, take responsibility for what I have to take responsbility for and quit the whining. And tha fnatasizing.
Well, that wasn’t that difficult.
Lord… sometimes I really over complicate things…LOL
Altogether now, “Waltzing Matilda, Waltzing Matilda…”
Edited to add: BREATHE!!!!
